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adrift in a sea of poppies
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| vexation |
[03 Nov 2009|11:23pm] |
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mood |
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vexed! |
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music |
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On A Boat- The Lonely Island |
] |
It is my nature to bend over backwards for people until my spine snaps. I really wish people would stop taking advantage of it.
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[23 Oct 2009|07:46pm] |
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I will make it up to you.
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| ...is a dumbass |
[18 Oct 2009|03:15am] |
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mood |
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 morose |
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Nothing more really needs to be said.
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| stuffe + nonsense |
[20 Sep 2009|11:05pm] |
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So.
Things are happening, namely:
~Halloween is around the corner
~Matt has decided to move into the bird room
~the dogs ate my favourite paintbrush
~I have to find another streaming site to watch Dexter season 3 on, cuz the addon required by the site I was using drove me crazy and I deleted it.
I really, really do not feel like working tomorrow, but at least it's only two days until Wednesday... right? Ugh. I should hurry up and become independently wealthy already.
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| so very pretty |
[07 Sep 2009|06:42pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Heart Shaped Box- Nirvana |
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I see a clear path of emotional destruction emerging at a gradually increasing speed. I intend to avoid taking this path at all costs... but the trouble is, the beginning is so damn pretty that it really is tempting. Knowing myself as I do I can see a fairly clear outline of where it all would end up heading; a beautiful and terrible mistake. This all really appeals to the tragic-romantic, fatalistic and self-deprecating morbid side of myself that I am desperately trying to outgrow. And it would be so pretty, the end, that part of me almost thinks I should just sacrifice my future happiness for the immense and epic tragic gorgeousness that would entail. I must remind myself that art for art's sake is not always a good thing, particularly if I am the only one who would see it as such.
And this is exactly why I must not even consider taking steps in that direction. I have made such personal progress in the past few years, especially this summer, in *not* doing things like this... to do so would be to negate everything I've done since 2004 or so. Besides the point, isn't there something terribly the matter with someone reducing emotions to paints for a canvas that only she knows exists? Sometimes I think there is something very wrong with me. I have made too much progress to revert to my old ways like this. And this summer has been too amazing in too many ways to end it by beginning a process like this... no matter how attractive that beginning might be.
Randomly, I am quite irritated by how hard it's become to write anything vaguely worthwhile. Obviously I need to practise a bit or something because this is just fucking sad.
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| cats in japan |
[30 Aug 2009|08:08pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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I have a theory about Japanese cats. They're so abundant as pets there and everyone loves them so much- cats in Japan must be friendlier than American cats. Even in videos and pictures they look nicer. I mean, how many truly lovable cats do you know? I have met a total of two. So it stands to reason that something must be different about cats in Japan.
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| questions and answers |
[27 Aug 2009|09:15pm] |
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music |
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The Crying Tree of Mercury- Smashing Pumpkins |
] |
While working and listening to talk radio broadcasting out of LA, I hear the names of cities and streets that I used to travel through on a daily basis. It's a very strange sort of recognition and it brings back memories that are tinted with an odd colour... as if LA was years ago rather than months; as if I am an essentially different person than I was when I lived there. Or rather, as if I was asleep for 3 years and it was all a dream. The feeling is so disorienting and I can't quite describe it.
My feet hurt.
I really don't know what I'm going to do about my other problems. There are so many possible *bad* decisions and consequences that I hesitate to make any changes, especially seeing as I'm not exactly unhappy with the status quo. I suppose the best term for that would be... complacent. Hmmm. Perhaps that answers my question for me. Very interesting.
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| six of one, half a dozen of the other |
[19 Aug 2009|12:43am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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This has been a year of evolution. Do I know who I am anymore? I'm starting to wonder. It's somewhat like watching something beautiful and terrifying emerge from a cocoon. This is confusing.
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| busy months |
[11 Jul 2009|05:40pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
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music |
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Running Up That Hill- Placebo |
] |
I have realised that while I have been posting on this thing again, I've not yet made a proper post- just the type of shit I usually reserve for the paper journal. So, let's have a go, shall we?
~In January due to the massive drop in the price of homes I began to look into buying a house. Because houses in the LA area were still too far out of my price range I made the decision to move back to the place I grew up.
~Shortly after making this decision Shawn broke up with me, ending a relationship that almost made it to five years. The move wasn't the reason for the breakup, just a catalyst.
~I moved into my house the last weekend of March. Shawn came with until situations allowed him to move back to LA.
~I applied to a series of vet's offices with no luck. Unemployment gave me the opportunity to take a class to get my phlebotomy certificate. I started the school in May, did my extern at the end of June, and am now waiting for my certificate so I can begin life as a professional vampire.
~ As of a few days ago I was rescued from the edge of being broke by getting a call from one of the vet's offices I applied to in March, offering me an interview. I got the job.
I've been through so many changes in such a short time that some confusion is inevitable, but one of the things I've made an effort to change is the way I deal with things, emotionally. I am quite proud to say that unlike changes in diet and exercise patterns (lawlz), this one seems to have stuck. And worked.
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| snowball |
[09 Jul 2009|08:29pm] |
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He is going to leave soon and I am finally realising it. I can feel it rising in my chest... that he will be gone for real, and I have so many mixed feelings about this that I almost can't stand it. I'm not quite sure what I feel for him anymore; it isn't what it used to be (for certain) but it's something. Deep friend-love? I don't know. I just know that I will be crying when he goes and I will not be able to explain myself.
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| sigh. |
[07 Jul 2009|06:36pm] |
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Sometimes, I don't think anyone will ever understand me. I really don't.
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| pffff. |
[04 Jul 2009|12:46am] |
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I think I will soon do something bad that I will regret. We shall see if this fugue is only temporary or if this is a sign of bigger and nastier things to come... and if it is, then much as it will hurt, I would be well served to just finish it before it gets worse. Trust me to take something so simple and mutate it into something big and ugly. And it really would be wise to nip it in the bud if that misery starts to seep in... just like ripping off a bandaid... maybe I can find some way to soak it in water first to make it a little easier.
On a somewhat unrelated note I am unable to get *her* out of my head today. Or, specifically, how I was tossed aside in her favour. And the manner in which this was accomplished. I am a big old sadface today.
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| oh dear god. |
[29 Jun 2009|08:51pm] |
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mood |
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angst! |
] |
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music |
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The Anthem of the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen- Ren & Stimpy |
] |
I don't know how I get myself into these things. Way to go, me. I haven't blown anything... yet... but I haven't really *said* anything either. I suppose it is only a matter of time. aaaangst.
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| the summer holds a song we might sing forever |
[03 Jun 2009|12:33pm] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
] |
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music |
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The Rake's Song- The Decemberists |
] |
The sky is thick with dark clouds and thunder is rolling overhead. The air feels different- potent, pregnant. Much as I love the heat of summer, these infrequent thunderstorms always give me some big thrill. It makes me think of rain in the desert, and there is nothing that smells quite like desert rain.
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[31 May 2009|11:27pm] |
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There are strange and pleasant thoughts swirling around my head right now. I know what I want but I am happy with what I have. Shawn leaves Tuesday morning until the 12th, for work. I will miss him but this time it will be better. I wanted to go to the movies with him before he left, cuz we haven't done that since January- right after the wedding and right in the midst of The Shit, before it became Really Shitty. We saw Benjamin Button and I was feeling so, I don't know, melancholy and burdened with a terrible love and hope, that the movie carried such weight that I actually cried a little at the end. That was a poignant and bittersweet day.
So yeah. We haven't seen a movie together in a while and I'd like to do so but there's nothing really worth seeing out at this very moment although I would see Terminator again. Even though the fel reaver actually, honestly gave me the creeps.
I checked the cheap theatre, and lo and behold... starting Friday they will have showings of Jurassic Park... and in July they will have showings of A Clockwork Orange! How awesome is that! Fo realz!
******************************************************************************
I saw those poems. It hurts more that I was never worth poems like that than it does that they were written and sent in the first place. I have always wanted to be worthy of such careful thought and beauty. But I will not think these thoughts now, I will not entertain these notions because that is me slipping into my poisonous old ways. I have never inspired poetry or songs and I doubt that I ever will. But that is okay. That is fine.
the world has changed because you are made of ivory and gold. the curves of your lips rewrite history.
It's true. I promise.
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| chill. |
[26 May 2009|08:59pm] |
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mood |
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fluh. |
] |
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music |
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Shove- L7 |
] |
I am experiencing a stupid amount of anxiety over Cas' wedding. I don't have a "significant other" to bring, so I'm going to be leaking all my nervous clinginess onto Dave. Hopefully we can ride up together. I guess I'm worried that Cas will be focused on her Orange County friends and I'll be the old friend who she was obligated to invite but is kind of embarrassed of. Of course I'm sure that won't be the case, and after a drink or two all traces of shyness will disappear like at Shina's party, and I will have a great time. Just. Chill. Out.
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| and |
[20 May 2009|11:02pm] |
I love Facebook solely for the status updates. I have me a grand old time modifying song lyrics and random quotes to fit into the third person format. I don't know why, it's just fun.
if i could bottle up the seabreeze i would take it over to your house and let it loose through your garden
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| toward'n forward'n |
[20 May 2009|07:41pm] |
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mood |
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 quixotic |
] |
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music |
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No You Girls- Franz Ferdinand |
] |
Dave has a phrase he came up with that sums up the state of being in the Void. Illn't beun toward'n forward'n. Literal translation- I'll not be unto toward and forward. Or somesuch. It means the inability to, or even refusal to, move forward. The state of not becoming. Stagnant stasis static and other sta- words. Only now can I fully appreciate how perfectly that phrase summed up the way I have behaved in the past. I can't figure out why it's suddenly so easy to alter the pattern which I have followed for so long. The same fears still haunt me, so it isn't that. I am somewhat confused but not complaining.
Let's jump the rails now cuz I'm random like that. I just got a prepaid $100 VISA card as a thank you from Verizon for signing up with them. It would be far too responsible to buy groceries or something with it. I must come up with something better.
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| apolologies for my refusal to die. |
[11 May 2009|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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i don't know. |
] |
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music |
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Jude Law and the Semester Abroad- Brand New |
] |
It kills me to see you like this but honestly: what did you expect?
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